Celebrity Cage Match 2: Enraged Employee Edition Round 1
Versus
The Fight
🦞 Red Lobster (Crabstab Cathy) vs. 🧼 Bath & Body Works (Lotion Lizzy)
Crabstab Cathy cracked her claws and rode a lobster chariot into the fray. “No Endless Shrimp for You!” she screamed. She hurled Cheddar Bay biscuits with explosive glee, obliterating planters and scented fountains.
Lotion Lizzy arrived in a hurricane of glitter mist. “Moisturize or meet oblivion,” she purred, flinging exfoliant grenades and perfume arrows that altered emotional states. One arrow made Cathy experience her childhood in reverse.
What happened next can only be described as a flurry of crustaceans and camomile…. shrimp and scented candles…. crab and cookie dough shampoo. Patrons from both stores fled in horror at the aroma bombardment, but were trapped by a fountain of melted butter and regret, Cathy cackled, “Your lotions may be fruity, but my lobster will kick your booty!”
The Final Blow: As Lizzy prepared her final monologue, Cathy summoned The Shellfather—a sacred crab spirit sealed inside a souvenir mug. It danced atop a soap geyser, overwhelmed the battlefield, and trapped Lizzy in a scented gift basket. Cathy wins—and Lizzy becomes a “Summer Sale Exclusive.”