Celebrity Cage Match 2: Enraged Employee Edition Final Round
Versus
The Fight
White Supremacy Walter rode into the final arena atop his gravy-powered rocking chair, its wheels screeching across the asphalt like church gossip. His beard had absorbed enough cornbread crumbs to qualify as tactical camouflage. “Bruno,” he barked, polishing his biscuit launcher, “today’s the day your marinara meets its manifest destiny.”
Breadstick Bruno floated down on a gondola made of lasagna noodles, twirling two garlic bread batons. “Walter,” he said solemnly, “your rocking chair is charming—but charm doesn’t win wars. Pasta does.” He raised his shield made from hardened ravioli, the words Family Unlimited glowing ominously.
Walter fired a barrage of biscuit mortars—Bruno responded with a swirling vortex of fettuccine fury. Somewhere in the chaos, a nonna screamed. Parmesan snow began to fall. Walter vaulted from his chair, wrestling Bruno into a pile of free salad bowls. Bruno countered with the dreaded move: The Endless Breadstick Spin, a maneuver that once wiped out a suburban potluck in 2017.
Steam rose. The sky darkened. Somewhere, a mandolin played.
Bruno climbed atop the debris, ready for his final attack—a meatball cannon powered by emotional guilt. But just as he fired, Walter pulled his secret weapon: The Doily of Doom, an embroidered placemat from 1983 infused with passive-aggressive energy. It caught the meatball midair and reversed its momentum with the haunting words: Bless This Mess.
The meatball slammed back into Bruno’s gondola, launching him skyward into a chandelier display at Bed Bath & Beyond. His apron fluttered gently to the ground like a defeated carb kite.
Walter stood alone, gravy on his knuckles and victory in his heart.