An Appeal to Ryan’s Mom
Dear Ryan’s Mom,
This is Dan. You might remember me from that episode where we talked about Joe Kenda, and how you were jealous of his wife, Cathy. Yeah, I’m that guy.
Let’s put the past aside. I promise I won’t make any more Joe Kenda jokes if you do one little tiny insignificant thing for me… It’s really nothing. All I want is for you to tell me every really embarrassing thing Ryan did as a child, and provide any pictorial evidence that adds to the story.
You see, Ryan says lots of embarrassing things on the show. There was the time he told us how he got caught with his hand on his junk. There was the time he told me, after I made fun of him for YEARS about failing clown college, that he’s really afraid of clowns. (I promise…. His house is getting a ton of clown stuff this year for Christmas.) And there was the time he talked about how much he hated Kansas and everyone in it…. Called the entire state a boring hellhole with no redeemable people in it.
Okay, that last part he told me in secret, and may have never said at all. But my point is that Ryan has all these twisted, unbelievable stories that we just can’t trust him without proof. So, in order to be able to trust your son, I need you to email me.
Our e-mail address is [email protected], so all you have to do is click to send us an email. Or I can make you a form, where you can submit all the details and supporting images that go along with it in a safe and secure, and tremendously anonymous way. Or you could get in contact with all of Ryan’s old friends from middle school and high school and have them email me.
The point is, I want to make fun of your son. And I’m running out of material to do it with. I’m afraid he’s told us all the hyper-embarassing stories he has as well. So please…. Email me…. I promise only to use the best of it against him.
Your new best friend,
Dan
P.S. I already know about the time he got his ballsack stuck in the air vent in his room….. *shudder*
P.S.S. Here is a form in case your email is broken.
P.S.S. Here is an AI-generated image your son sent to me of what he things his nipple looks like.
