RYAN’S BASEMENT LAB – DAY

The door creaks open. DAN steps inside, beard perfect, tactical turtleneck tighter than legally advisable.

DAN
Nice place. Smells like burnt batteries and regret.

RYAN Enters the Room (beaming)
That’s the ozone. I bottled it!

DAN
Who are you?

RYAN
My name is Ryan.

DAN
Why do you look like that Krieger guy from Archer?

RYAN
Why do you look like a turtleneck with a dick sticking out the top?

DAN
I’ll have you know this is cashmere!

RYAN
So is my lab coat.

DAN
Who’s that on the wall?

RYAN (glowing)
That’s my girlfriend, Mitsuko.

DAN
You got a girlfriend in that cashmere lab coat?

MITSUKO
Krieger-son is my everything.

DAN
Oh Shit it talks!!!!

RYAN
Watch your mouth fake-John Krasinski!

RYAN’S BASEMENT LAB – CONTINUOUS

The door SLAMS open. CHERYL struts in, heels weaponized, holding a croissant with suspicious intent.

CHERYL
Are we experimenting, or is this another cry for help disguised as a tech demo?

RYAN (casually shielding a monitor)
Both. Also… hi, Cheryl!

DAN
What the Three’s Company is going on in here?

RYAN (sighing softly)
Apparently my experiments in organic-to-virtual sexual reproduction have hit a tiny snag.

CHERYL
That “THING” you referenced wasn’t tiny….. And the aluminum gave me a rash!

MITSUKO (Flickering in the background)
Krieger-son… How come you never gave me the….. THING?

RYAN
Quit calling me Krieger…. My name is Ryan

DAN (Laughing a little)
You do look a lot like Krieger. Where can I get a Peppermint Patty around here?

CHERYL (Holding a Croissant)
How about this snail dough?

RYAN (looking at the croissant)
Isn’t that a Quarktasche?

DAN (laughing harder)
Way to stop those German look-alike rumors, Algernop!

RYAN (Shaking visibily)
Ich mache dich fertig

CHERYL
So who’s going to help me shove this down my throat?

PAM (from off camera)
PHRASING!!!!

DAN (hand on his face)
Dammit PAM that’s my line!!!!

BASEMENT LAB – A MOMENT LATER

CYRIL offers Dan a croissant on a doily with patriotic fanfare.

CYRIL
Made with AI-optimized butter ratios.

RYAN
Nothing a little yellow cake uranium and Soman can’t make taste better!

DAN
If this thing bites me back, I’m quitting life.

MITSUKO
Ryan-son…. I would like to taste this….. snail dough.

DAN
Great programming there Konrad Zuse. And why is nobody mentioning that Cyril looks like Brian Baugartner and Caroll O’Connor had a love child?

PAM (from off camera)
SPLOOSH!!!

DAN
DAMMIT PAM!

MITSUKO 2.0’s screen glows green. The lights dim. Everyone stops breathing.

MITSUKO 2.0 (V.O.)
Activating… sass module.

CHERYL
She’s… evolving. And judging my shoes.

DAN
You taught it sarcasm?

RYAN (grinning)
She taught herself.

DAN
If she goes all Terminator, I’m throwing you in front of her.

CHERYL (looking around randomly)
Terminators are soooo hawt!

DAN
Keep it in your pants Sarah Conners

RYAN (typing on a keyboard)
It looks like I forgot a D in her coding. Simple fix. I just need to put the D back in her.

PAM (from off camera)
PHRASING!!!

DAN (visibly upset)
DAMMIT PAM!!!

CHERYL
Why does Pam’s ghost keep yelling at us?

DAN (walking away)
I need to go tell mother to fire all of these morons.